TheHolisticParent.ORG Attachment Parenting

                                     Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting is a term first coined by Dr William Sears. It is basically a very
natural form of parenting. I don’t get too much into different parenting styles. I don’t
like to stick to a very rigid way of parenting, but this way of parenting I do like. To me,
attachment parenting is at the very essence of listening to your instincts and simply
doing what comes naturally. It is also about meeting your child’s needs on a
consistent basis.

Secure Attachments

At the very core of attachment parenting is the theory on how child form emotional
attachments as well as develop trust, a sense of security, and independence.
Advocates against attachment parenting feel that children will become dependent
and needy. I reject this thinking as false. Humans are designed to have social
interactions and be connected to fellow humans. If your child does not form an
attachment to you, they will form an attachment to something else to survive,
whether that be a security blanket, their toys, stuffed animals, a pacifier, the TV, etc.
They will become attached to something or maybe even someone else. It should be
a parent that they are attached to, not an object.

The need for attachment is not unique to humans however. There have been
studies done with monkeys, where baby monkeys who are shown no love or
affection actually died! This is very significant.

Advocates for attachment parenting feel that if a child is securely attached, they meet
their very first basic need of trust. This leads to more secure, confident, and
independent people. How does a child become attached to you? By you meeting
your child’s needs consistently, by being attentive as a parent, and by being present
and with them. See our work from home section as it is very important that children
have one or both parents around to become attached to. When an infant or child has
their needs met; that is when they learn to trust the world.

This is also where babywearing and co-sleeping come into play. Wearing your baby
helps to meet their needs and help with their attachment. Co-sleeping also helps
children form secure attachments because their needs do not stop during the night.
If you haven’t yet read both of these sections, please do so. All of these topics are
interrelated.

Attachment parenting begins at birth. What happens in the moments that your baby
is born are very important and can positively or negatively impact your relationship
and your parenting. Read our birth section also for very in depth information on
having your best birth experience possible.

Eight Principles

The best thing about attachment parenting is that there are no strict rules to follow.
You are mainly following your instinct. There are eight principles though that will give
you an idea of what attachment parenting is all about.

1.        Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
2.        Feed with Love and Respect
3.        Respond with Sensitivity
4.        Use Nurturing Touch
5.        Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6.        Provide Consistent Loving Care
7.        Practice Positive Discipline
8.        Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

I feel like many parents make peace with this type of parenting because it is what
comes naturally to them. Our children truly deserve to be treated no less than the
best. I think for some parents it is very easy to forget that our children deserve to be
treated with love and respect. We are raising the future generation. Children need to
be loved and nurtured. Providing for a child’s needs in this way does not spoil the
child. It creates a secure child that understands his needs will be met. I feel that
sometimes it is easy for parents to feel in a perceived place of power because they
have an authority over their children (the because I said so complex). This type of
feeling can lead to negative behavior such as not treating your child kindly simply
because you can. Attachment parenting strives to provide our children with the best
care.

What’s in it for the Parent?

There are some misconstrued ideas about attachment parenting. Attachment
parenting is not designed so that you have to give of yourself to your children
constantly to the point of insanity. Attachment parenting will not make you go insane.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t ever take time to yourself or have a break. This is
certainly why nature’s design is for human babies to have two parents. It also
certainly doesn’t mean that a single parent has anything to be ashamed about and
can’t still attachment parent.
I have found in my own parenting that responding to my child makes it easier to
respond to my child in the future. For example, the more I hold my baby, the more I
want to hold her, the more I want to be around her. The more I respond to her cries,
the more capable I feel and the less she cries. It would stand to reason in my mind
that though some parents do absolutely have to work out of necessity, it is not a
natural state for a parent, especially the mother, to be away from her baby all day or
for extended periods. I feel that because of this, parents must in some essence
distance themselves from their children to an extent, mostly unconsciously, in order
to be able to part from their child. This is not necessarily a fault of the parent’s in
itself, but once home, it may take much more of a conscious effort to respond to
your child and take care of your child. I feel it is important that parents be aware of
this as it would be easy to be tired after a long day and not be as prepared to actively
meet your child’s needs. I feel if parents are in tune with their instincts, which is
essentially what attachment parenting is, this is much easier to avoid.

Attachment parenting is going so in tune with a natural instinct that often times it is
much easier than other ways of parenting. Co-sleeping actually allows parents to
get more sleep. Babywearing is designed for parents to actually be able to get
things done. Some people feel that attachment parenting is hard. This may be true
to a certain extent. You won’t have a baby that will sit in a swing at four months old
and watch an entire two hour movie without bothering you once and then go take a
four hour nap. This would not be normal behavior of an infant anyway, and the
training required to get a baby to do that is unnatural. So, babies and children really
do require a lot of care. Having a child is a big commitment. A lot of your life will be
spent caring for your child. This is precisely what most parents find most rewarding.
Sure my daughter takes a lot of work. Some days I find I don’t get too much done at
all. But really that’s okay. She is such a blessing, and she won’t be little very long.
My only real expectations for the day are to enjoy her, and that way I don’t feel
stressed about the time she requires. I do find time to get things done while she
takes naps.

Another benefit to parents is a happier baby. A baby that has his needs met typically
has a happier all around disposition. This makes it much easier and less draining
as well to take care of the baby. Happy babies are easier to be around. Babies that
have their needs met do not need to cry uncontrollably because someone knows
what they need before they really even have to get upset. I find that by spending the
time with my daughter, I am very attuned with her needs and I can have confidence
when I am with her. There’s not a whole lot of guess work involved in figuring out
her needs. She cries if she’s hungry, tired, bored and wants attention, or soiled her
diaper. That’s about it really. And each cry with her is just a bit different, so it’s
possible to tell.

Childcare Issues

While I am a big proponent of at least one parent being available to care for the
children, it is possible to attachment parent even if this both parents have to work.
Infants and children can form secure attachments with other caregivers other than
the parent while the parent is away. This may bother some parents as they want to
be the one their child is fully attached to. This is a valid feeling, though it is possible
for a child to be positively attached to more than one person. And while there is no
substitute for mom and dad, it is important and beneficial for the infant or child to
trust their caregiver and know that their needs will be met from this person.

For parents that must leave their children due to work obligations, it is especially
important to choose a caregiver that is accepting of your beliefs regarding parenting
and has the time to give your children the attention they deserve to meet their needs.
It is okay to be upfront with what you expect and work to find someone that you trust
and feel comfortable will be a good fit.

Discipline

Discipline takes on a whole new meaning with attachment parenting. The type of
discipline utilized is more of a natural consequence type philosophy. It seeks not to
assign arbitrary punishments to children that have nothing to do with the
unacceptable behavior. There are no punishments assigned out of anger. Parents
strive to understand their child’s behavior and work to correct it in positive ways.
They do not have unreasonable expectations of their child’s behavior and do not
expect their children to be miniature adults. Children are not capable of controlling
their emotions or behaving in the same manner as adults and expecting them to do
so is unrealistic. Positive reinforcement for a child’s good behaviors is a must.
Respecting the child and treating him or her with love and kindness will result in a
better behaved child. Meeting your child’s needs and thinking about what they need
as a result of the way they are acting. Are they tired? Are they hungry? Children at a
young age especially seek their parent’s approval and do not meaningfully disobey
their parents. If your child’s needs are being met and he is receiving proper
attention, there is less room for the need to misbehave.

Children will not be perfect however even if all their needs are met. They explore
their world and they learn sometimes by making mistakes. It is okay to correct
unacceptable behavior, but the manner of correction must also be acceptable. It is
important to still make corrections in a loving secure environment. It is important
that when a child is disciplined that he understands the disciplinary action and does
not feel distanced from his parents love.

Criticisms of Attachment Parenting

There are several criticisms of attachment parenting. The first criticism is that it is
too demanding and strenuous for parents, and they will have no personal life. I feel
this belief stems from a misunderstanding of attachment parenting. I feel as though
my daughter is actually easier because she is so happy all the time. This belief also
stems from a misunderstanding of what parenting is or should be like. You cannot
have a child and be as fully devoted to raising that child as you should be, but not
willing to give your child the time of day or rearrange your life for your child. Having a
child means your life will change. You may not be able to have a perfect house or
tons of free time. That’s not what having kids is about whether or not you attachment
parent. Your child will grow up feeling like an inconvenience if the one thing he
wants most, his parent’s love and attention, is not available to him. Personally, I feel
the more you do rearrange your life for your kids, the easier parenting becomes. It
makes me enjoy spending time with my children over anything else and that allows
me to not view parenting as an inconvenience. My main point is that parenting
should be a shifting of priorities. You can still find time for a personal life. It just won’
t be exactly the same as before.

The second criticism is that attachment parenting is not supported by research. I
personally feel as though our society gives too much importance to what the
research says. There is an attitude of if something doesn’t have enough research or
the conclusions to the research were not completely positive, then it is something
that is rejected as negative. The only reason attachment parenting is rejected is
because it is not mainstream thinking and also because people have a
misconstrued notion of how parenting should be. I feel this is something that truly
needs to change in our society. We need to start having more realistic expectations
of what parenting is like. Attachment parenting is about natural instinctual parenting.
I don’t need research to tell me that it is a positive way to parent. Experience has
taught me that.

The most faulty part of this criticism is that attachment parenting is backed by
research and lots of it. The research turns out in favor of attachment parenting,
confirming the instincts parents have had all along.

Is Attachment Parenting Right for Me?

Attachment parenting should be right for everyone. It is not about choosing a
parenting style from a list. Attachment parenting is the most natural instinctual way
to parent. It is simply about meeting your child’s needs in a secure, loving,
supportive environment. Every child needs and deserves this type of environment. If
a child is deprived of these needs by unavailable parents, rigid schedules, harsh
discipline, etc, he will grow up deficient in the things he needs, and that will affect
who he is as a person. It’s not that you can just pick a way to parent. It’s about giving
your child what they need. That’s what attachment parenting is all about.

"A hundred years from
now, it will not matter
what my bank-account
was, the sort of house I
lived in, or the make of
car I drove. But the world
may be different, because
I was important in the life
of a child."
-Author Unknown

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