

| The Birth Of Adalia Desiree My second birth experience was drastically different from my first. Goodness, what you can learn in four years. I think the reason why my second experience was so different lies within my first. After I had my first baby, I was ecstatic. I loved my experience. I had peace about it, and I fell in love with labor and delivery. This led me to begin pursuing a nursing career to work in the area of labor and delivery. I felt like the epidural was a savior. I had a typical hospital birth the first time. I was induced a few days past my due date because I was “due”. Funny though, my induction was scheduled about a week before my due date. When a doctor asks an extremely pregnant woman if she’d like to be induced because she will then have her baby, what woman will turn that down. After working a year in a labor and delivery ward, I can assure you, not many. I was 19. I had not researched the risks of an induction. I barely knew what that even meant. Still, in I went to be induced. There were quite a lot of unpleasantries to the whole process. Nurses, doctors, students, and other miscellaneous personnel wandered in and out of my room the whole time. Vaginal checks were painful and frequent. I was starving the whole time. The monitors on my abdomen had to constantly be adjusted and were very uncomfortable, but I was not “allowed” to remove them. My baby’s heart rate was too low at times, though that was all the nurse said to me. The medication known as Pitocin elicited extremely painful contractions that reduced me to tears. I had no coping mechanisms, nor was I even permitted to move from the bed. Once the time came for an epidural, I had to wait over an hour for it, crying, while the nurse assured me the entire time, “Just a few more minutes”. As soon as the epidural worked its “magic”, nausea set in. I had to remain on my side for the remaining duration of my labor due to my baby’s continual drop in his heart rate. Every hour, I had to turn on my other side. This procedure was quite uncomfortable as I had not the upper body strength to turn my completely numb lower half. I did not like the loss of control or dependency I was left with, but anything seemed better than those contractions. While lying on my side, I was not able to move my feet, yet if my foot slid out of its exact location due to being numb, I felt sick and panicky. Therefore, my husband spent the day holding my feet in the exact same place, less they move a fraction of an inch and he get yelled at. Once pushing time came, I was put in stirrups. This made me feel like a turtle on its back. How was I to push like this? I had no leverage. Yet, push I did for almost three hours. After, the first hour, my back tightened up to a painful level, and I was miserable. After two hours, I felt done. I had to insist to the nurse that my doctor better come now! We waited for him for about 30 minutes. Once there, my baby was born 10 minutes later. I, of course, “needed” an episiotomy. Sewing me back up took 30 minutes. Even with the epidural, I felt intense pain during the stitching to where I moaned the whole time. My body felt in shock. My baby was whisked off for procedures and at the insistence of my doctor, my husband went with the baby. I felt alone. At one point, my doctor rudely asked what the problem was with all my moaning as he was only “drying me off.” Finally, it was over and I got to hold my baby. I remember feeling a bit stunned at his eyes because of the goopy antibiotic ointment in them. I felt like I couldn’t see him, nor could he see me I later found out. Could they not have waited until I at least got to see him? He nursed a bit and was taken to the nursery as routine. My husband and I were left staring at each other in my hospital room like “what now”, while our entire troop of grandparents and family went to watch the baby in the nursery. My epidural did not wear off until about six hours later- this is an abnormally long time. I was so swollen, I could not urinate. I was catheterized, which was actually welcome relief. I had trouble getting my baby to latch to on to breastfeed the entire next day. When the lactation consultant came, she had no trouble. I felt inadequate. Latching on trouble continued at home and eventually led to a formula fed baby. I found out later through a video my mom had taped of my baby in the nursery that they gave him a bottle in the hospital without my knowledge or consent. This led to nipple confusion, which is a very real and hard thing to overcome. My postpartum experience at home was the most miserable two weeks of my life. The episiotomy caused so much discomfort that I could barely walk for almost a week- no exaggeration. Nothing seemed to relieve the pain. I took pain killers for the first week and do not remember much of it. I really couldn’t even bond with or take care of my baby. Still, despite everything, I felt satisfied at the time with giving birth. I had no other experience to compare this one to. To me, this was how things were. Wasn’t having a baby hard work and sacrifice? Some time later, I began to question things from my birth. I started to hear of people that felt the urge to push. I did not feel this the first time. I did not feel my baby come out. I did not really feel anything. I began to feel like I had not even given birth. I started to have a burning desire to know what giving birth felt like. I heard of the ring of fire. I needed to know what that felt like. I started to read books about birth. I started to wonder would I be able to give birth without an epidural. I sure didn’t think I could have the first time. I had no faith in my body. I actually felt that because I was overweight that my body could not birth a baby without an epidural. I was just not in good enough shape for it. Still, I was intrigued in natural birth maybe for a time down the road when I would be in good shape. Around this time, I graduated nursing school and began to work in labor and delivery. Boy, did I see a lot. And I learned a whole lot. I started to feel more and more uncomfortable with giving birth in the hospital. I realized that even though a woman was in the hospital, it did not mean she would automatically get an epidural if she wanted one. There are people who end up doing it naturally not by choice, and honestly, it is not always a very good experience for them. Then one day it dawned on me. My body would give birth to my baby whether or not I had an epidural, whether or not I was overweight, whether or not I made it to the hospital. Giving birth is what my body was designed to do. This realization freed me. I realized I could give birth without an epidural! I felt so foolish for believing I physically couldn’t. Sadly, this is what women in our society are conditioned to believe. It was then that I knew I would not be getting an epidural during my next labor. There was no “I’m going to try to go natural”. Very few people that say that actually follow through during labor by the way. It was more like “There is absolutely no way I will be having an epidural during my next labor irregardless of any circumstances.” I knew if I was going to do this, I had to be more prepared to make it through the labor. This led me to homebirthing. If I’m at home, I can’t have anesthesia- that simple. Home seemed so much more appealing. No IV’s, no food restrictions, no continuous fetal monitors, free movement, no intrusions. I began researching homebirthing. I found it to be exactly what I wanted. I read research was finding it to actually be safer for the 90% of low risk women. I felt relief. I felt ecstatic. I presented the idea to my husband, thinking he would think I was nuts. He jumped on board with my decision. Interestingly, I was not even pregnant yet. Once, we had accomplished pregnancy, I set out to find a midwife. Being in the nice state of Missouri would present some obstacles, and I felt concerned. Midwifery was not yet legal in Missouri, and it’s not like people at the hospital where I worked would have any knowledge of midwives in Missouri. I asked a friend from nursing school who was into a more natural approach to life as I now was if she knew of any midwives. I felt it was a shot in the dark. She returned my email that she was pretty sure she knew a midwife and gave me a first name and a phone number. I instantly called it. I was about seven weeks pregnant at this time. The midwife agreed to meet with me. I was thrilled. I felt so thankful she had trusted a labor and delivery nurse. It’s certainly not the norm in my profession to deliver outside of the hospital. When we met with the midwife, I had done my research. I knew what I wanted from this experience or perhaps I knew more of what I definitely didn’t want. I had my questions ready for her. We had a relaxed meeting in her home. She seemed relaxed and was friendly. I was at ease. I felt like a different birth experience was in reach. I had no idea at the time though how wonderfully different it would turn out to be. The next months were followed with some nausea, appointments with my midwife in my own home, lots of reading books and birth stories of others, and of course, working in the hospital. I very much enjoyed reading the birth stories of others. They inspired me and comforted me. I dreamt and fantasized about my own experience. A wonderful thing also happened when I was about four months pregnant. Midwifery became legal in the state of Missouri! I felt overjoyed and privileged it had happened while I was pregnant. I even included the article in the St. Louis Post Dispatch in the baby book I was creating. Working in the hospital became increasingly difficult. Twelve hour shifts were hard. Time for lunch was hard to find. I was feeling stressed out and resentful. I was slowly realizing I did not agree with what I was doing in the hospital. I did not believe in the system. I had found there was a better way. So much of what is done in the hospital is so unnecessary. I grew tired of women who were terrified of labor pain and terrified to give birth. It is truly sad, and I found little opportunity to change years of programming and beliefs of these women in the small time they were there in labor. I was tired of the continual requests for epidurals, continuous monitoring, breaking of bags of water, internal monitors, vaginal exams, trying to explain to women why they couldn’t eat, physician orders I did not agree with, and never-ending charting to protect my nursing license if somehow a woman were to turn out unhappy with her experience as she most certainly may. My job performance began to suffer. My dread to go into work turned to panic before a shift. I am happy to say I did end up quitting that job after my wonderful birth at home. There would have been no possible way to return. My husband and I took a five session Hypnobirthing course when I was about five months pregnant. I loved the book about it. The sessions were enlightening. I felt more prepared. I felt I would be able to calmly handle labor. It was empowering. The birth of my second baby began two days past my due date on December 8th. It was 5:44 Monday morning. I had spent Sunday feeling tired of being pregnant and wandering around my house not sure what to do with myself. I decided to finish up anything I felt I needed to get done before the baby, so that I could allow myself to relax and fully be ready to give birth. My husband and I both went to bed that night feeling as though it could be the night. A contraction woke me up, and I realized I had been being woken up by mild ones for a while. I instantly thought I was in labor and told my husband. I had thought maybe I would spend time laboring on my own. I felt like maybe I didn’t want anyone around when I gave birth. I was inspired by women who squat in a field, give birth, and go back to work. Despite everything I had seen in the hospital, I was convinced that without an epidural, my labor would be short, quick, and easy. I found though that I wanted my husband with me throughout the whole labor. I wanted the company of sharing the experience with someone. We got up and did last minute things around the house. My husband cleaned our bathroom well as that is where I planned to be. I showered and dried my hair, pleased that I would look nice for this occasion. We called my cousin to take my four year old to preschool. I had good moderately strong contractions, increasing in intensity for about four hours. They were five or six minutes apart. I had to breathe through some, but it was bearable, and I was happy about that. I spent time on my birthing ball, eating pineapple and talking with my husband. I felt very calm and relaxed. Then, around 10:00 am, I noticed I was not really having contractions anymore. They had spaced way out. I started to feel confused and anxious because I was ready for this baby to come. What was going on? We kept in contact with my midwife. She told me this happened a lot in homebirths and labor would probably start up the next night. She told me to enjoy my day. Right. I thought there is no way my labor is going to last that long. I tried to relax and enjoy my day. My husband and I took an afternoon nap. My son came home later that afternoon. We were planning on eating dinner together, watching a good movie, maybe playing some games, and going to bed. The only problem was I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t hold still to watch the movie. I was uncomfortable. I had still been feeling contractions all day; they were just spaced about a half an hour apart. I had no idea if I was in labor or not. I decided I was so uncomfortable sometime around dinnertime that I would just get in the bathtub. I tried watching a movie in the tub on our portable DVD player, but it was hard to pay attention. I was somewhat bored, but every fifteen to thirty minutes at this point, I would have a very strong contraction. I just kept thinking, “These are strong. I know these are strong. What is going on?” I knew I could not have a baby with contractions that far apart. I have seen a woman give birth with contractions 10 minutes apart, but not thirty. My husband warmed up some lasagna. I thought I was hungry, but I couldn’t seem to eat it. It made me feel a bit queasy. I was getting somewhat stir crazy. I spent several hours in the tub. My husband put my son to bed. I did more bouncing on my birthing ball, which felt awesome. I would sit on the ball and rest my head down on the bed. I felt so tired, but did not have much success lying on the bed. In fact, I had hardly spent any time in the bed all day. I yearned to just lay down in the bed and sleep, but I was too nervous to get caught lying down in bed with a contraction because it made it unbearable every 15-30 minutes when one did come. I also hated sitting on the toilet by the way. Contractions were much worse with even a slight recline backwards. I needed to be leaning forward. Finally around 1:00 in the morning, now Tuesday December 9th, I decided I had to lie down. I was so tired. I slept for about 15-30 minutes until another contraction. It felt like I had been asleep several hours. I couldn’t lie down anymore. I wandered around a bit complaining to my also exhausted husband that I did not know what to do with myself. I decided on the tub again. Before I got in the tub, I used the restroom. On the toilet, I had a moment where I really let go and decided either I am going to be in labor and get this baby out or everything is going to have to stop so I can go to bed. In the tub, things miraculously started to pick up. I began having contractions again every five to seven minutes. It’s funny I always hated people counting and timing contractions. I told my husband before I was in labor that he had better not pay attention to the contractions- that the baby will come when it comes. I found, however, that I liked knowing some kind of time frame they were coming in because it was so hard to know the times of things during labor. I was not convinced the contractions were coming any closer together nor that this was actually going to be it. My husband had to keep reassuring me the contractions were still coming, which may seem odd because I could definitely feel them. I just couldn’t tell how far apart they were. I kept asking my husband all day “What hour are we in”. I did not want the exact time; I just needed to know the hour. After several hours of contractions, I started to have to moan softly with them. I still was not convinced this was labor. I thought I may still have a chance for everything to stop; I could go to bed, and get some rest. I got out of the tub and wanted to shower before what I thought was going to be going to bed. As soon as I got in the shower, contractions started to come every 2-3 minutes. I didn’t really believe my husband when he told me that. I said maybe he should call our midwife and just give her a heads up. I told him to tell her that I wasn’t sure what was going on. She told my husband that she thought she had better come and he came in to tell me she was on her way. I stayed in the shower, moaning with contractions. It was impossible not to make noise during one. It was now about five in the morning. Time distortion during labor was such a strange thing. The time I was actually in the bathroom until the baby was born was about seven hours, but it truly felt like only one. As we waited for my midwife, my husband was feeding me an apple with peanut butter. It helped give me energy. I had to eat it very slow though because it was hard to eat when contractions were that intense. I also continued to sip on water. My midwife’s assistant arrived first, and my midwife arrived shortly after. It felt nice to have the support of women there. I did not believe I was truly in labor until they got there. I just didn’t believe this was actually “it.” I found it very helpful to hear that I was doing a great job. I was still in the shower at this point. I didn’t know how I would feel beforehand about being completely naked during labor. I bought things to wear, but at the time, clothes did not seem necessary, and I did not care. Modesty seems to go out the window during labor. I did appreciate the low key atmosphere of my home, however. I did not feel as though I was on display or a spectacle. I did not really want to feel like the center of attention during my labor with a bunch of people staring at me. My midwife and her assistant did not stay in my bathroom the entire time. They took turns or let my husband just be in there with me at times. It was nice to still just have time with my husband, with us working together as a team. My husband kept encouraging me. We renamed my contractions waves because that’s what they felt like to me. Calling them this relaxed me and made me feel in control. He would tell me to breathe in with the waves and then relax and let it go. My midwife and her assistant also took time to set up their equipment. It was nice though because all their equipment was in another room. All I saw was the normal décor of my bathroom. Occasionally, my midwife would listen to my baby’s heartbeat. Other than that, there were no interruptions, no loss of focus. I stayed in the shower for three hours until almost 8:00 that morning. My husband had installed a tankless hot water heater the week before, so I had a hot shower for those three hours. It was heaven. The shower was a place that worked really well for me. I liked standing. With each contraction, I had to move. I would lean over and swing my hips in circles. I did this over and over. I continued to moan loudly. My midwife said to moan in a low voice. It helped me to stay calm and keep relaxed. We called my cousin to come pick up my son around 6:30 in the morning. We sent my son out in his pajamas without breakfast right after he had woken up because we knew it would be soon. I had wanted my son to be home with me and perhaps even watch, but I think it was best for him that he left. He was nervous from my moaning though we had discussed it beforehand. I also knew that he would probably be naturally waking up right as we were either having the baby or in intense labor. It would have been a disorienting way to wake up. I had been right- my water broke about 10 minutes after he left. Finally at one point, I realized I was really tired. I was tired of standing. I really just wanted my bed, and I wanted this to be over with so I could allow myself to lay in my bed. I was ready to be done. I told my husband to fill up the tub with warm water. I could tell from standing and being that tired that I was not relaxing my lower half for the baby to even come out. I had a strange feeling in labor that I did not want to move to any other location. There were some suggestions of did I want to lie in bed or bounce on the ball. I said no. It felt like the shower was working, and I didn’t feel like I could move anywhere else. I finally decided on the bathtub again though because the contractions were so strong that at this point I reasoned there was no way I was going to get comfortable no matter where I was. Impossibly, the contractions continued to increase in intensity. My words of “I don’t want to do this anymore” turned to “I can’t do this anymore” though somehow I knew if I had to, I would have no choice but to continue. Thankfully, once I said that I had about three more contractions. The last one was the strongest I had felt by far and it lasted for what seemed like forever. It brought me to my knees. My water broke with this contraction. No one was in the bathroom with me when this happened. I just started screaming “water”, really long and loud. It was intense. My husband came in and helped me move to the tub. We found the baby’s heartbeat with the doppler. Nice and strong. Once comfortable in the tub, I was able to relax my lower half, and I felt pushing start shortly after. My midwife had her hand on my lower back. I did not experience pain in my back, known as back labor, but just having a hand there gave me a certain support that was very necessary. It was a physical way to let me know I was not alone at that moment. I was positioned in the tub in a mostly sitting position, slightly angled more on my right hip with my knees bent. I had about two somewhat more mild contractions before my body started to push on its own. Contractions were farther apart at this time, and I almost felt like I was sleeping in between them. When the urge to push came, it did not feel like a contraction anymore, simply a pushing sensation. Pushing was a welcome stage, though I did not enjoy it like I thought I would. It was not hard to do. I think I didn’t like it much because my body was completely in control of the pushing. I did not decide when to push or when to stop, my body did. It was very intense. It was also so great to experience that my body could push a baby out- that it did not need to take three hours. I no longer needed to feel inadequate as though something were wrong with my body. Sometimes, I felt the pushing lasted too long, and I had trouble catching my breath. I experienced two different pushing sensations. The beginning sensation was more of a pushing in my rectum with intense pressure that felt like a bowel movement. Once I felt my baby move past my pubic bone, I could tell she was a lot closer, and the pushing feeling changed. This pushing sensation felt much better. It was not as intense, and I could somewhat more consciously push and control how she came out. I felt like she sort of just eased out. Pushing altogether did not last very long. With the last few pushes, I felt the ring of fire. It was not as scary or dreaded as I thought. It felt simply like a mild burning, stretching sensation. I felt one instant of “I don’t want to do this” and I inwardly told myself “No, you are going to just push and it will be over”, so that’s what I did. I pushed right through the ring of fire slowly and calmly. I felt every part of my baby slide out of me. Once my baby’ s head was out, I said “Oh, just pull it out!” My midwife said no, and I realized I would have to keep pushing. Right after the head, an arm popped out. Then slowly the rest of her emerged. This was the one part I absolutely loved. I loved feeling my baby come out of me. I had my eyes closed- I think because I was really focusing. I could tell what each part of her was. In the hospital once the baby’s head is out, the body flies out next, mostly because the doctor pulls it out. I was so pleased this was not the case with me. I thought I would want to see my baby come out. At the time though, I was so focused inwardly that I couldn’t really open my eyes and focus on anything. Interestingly though, I feel like I watched the whole thing because I could feel everything. I knew everything that was happening. There was such a heightened sense of awareness. I felt where her head was the whole time during pushing. No one had to tell me where to push or how to push. There was no counting to ten with each contraction. There was no rush, no hysterics, just calm. Once my baby had emerged, my husband lifted her out of the water and placed her on me. I looked down and said “Thank God it’s a girl”. She had huge eyes that looked black, and they were staring up at me so clearly. As soon as she came out, we played the song by Elvis “Only Fools Rush In”. It was beautiful. My placenta came out within five minutes. It was very easy to push out, hardly noticeable, not painful, and even felt a little good. My baby was still attached to the cord. My husband held our baby while I moved to the bedroom. I was fascinated that I could walk normally right away as if I hadn’t just pushed out a baby. When I came out of the bathroom, it felt so weird to see my calm, peaceful, and clean house. I remember saying “my house”. It felt somewhat strange, but wonderful to be home. The bed felt so delicious. I had felt so tired of standing. We cut the cord on the bed. My midwife checked me for tears. I had one small one that did not need any repairs. No episiotomy this time, which was thrilling. I sat up and nursed my new baby. There was no trouble with breastfeeding this time. My husband made everyone bacon and eggs. At some point, I got back up to use the restroom. My midwife stayed with me. I was able to urinate with no trouble. This was so relieving for me. While in the bathroom, my midwife smiled and said, “And you didn’t have one vaginal check.” No vaginal checks with this pregnancy and birth was very important to me. They were extremely painful with my first pregnancy, mostly towards the end that would leave me cramping for at least a day. I later found they are totally unnecessary. Imagine that a baby will actually grow and develop properly and be born successfully without someone jamming their fingers up there to check dilation. Considering labor is not a linear process, vaginal exams tell us only minimal information anyway. I also laughed with my midwife that I had thought I would actually look nice during this labor. By this time 27 hours later, I looked like a wreck. My hair was a mess, but it didn’t matter. After a few hours, my midwife and her assistant left. We spent the day relaxing with our new baby. Not once was she separated from me. No one had to poke at her or perform procedures or take vital signs. At no point during my labor did I feel alone. My son came home to meet his new sister around lunchtime. It was so relaxing at home. My postpartum period was amazingly easier as well, which had been one of the biggest factors in my deciding to forgo an epidural. I had some soreness, mostly just if I tried to walk or stand for extended time periods. This lasted a few weeks until I felt normal again, but it was nothing like the first time. Being so numb from the epidural the first time lead to longer pushing and an episiotomy which drastically increased my postpartum pain. This birth was so healing for me in so many ways. I wouldn’t change a thing. It was long and challenging, but manageable. I had said throughout my pregnancy that I wanted to give birth gracefully. I think I accomplished that. At not one point did I feel fearful. I did not feel overwhelmed. Labor does its own thing- I could not control it, yet at no point did I feel not in control. I felt calm and relaxed. I handled each contraction. I cannot say I achieved a pain free labor as other hypnobirthing moms somehow have, but I have no regret. It feels so wonderful to have felt absolutely everything. My sensations were not dulled in any sense, and I have never felt more alive or in touch with my body. I feel so proud of my body. How amazing it truly is. I feel connected to so many women before me who have given birth and felt what I felt. I feel so saddened for women in hospitals that are so scared to give birth that they cannot fathom going natural. They are missing out on one of the greatest things in life. To me, this is what being a woman means. It is very much a rite of passage. Labor is hard work, but also very rewarding. I wouldn’t call it a sacrifice. It was more of a blessing. There were of course times throughout my pregnancy that I felt a little fearful and wondered if I could do it. But here I am, on the other side. It is possible. I actually did it. A few extra thoughts: I wanted to include in my birth story how contractions actually feel. I wanted someone to describe them so badly in all the birth stories I read during my pregnancy, but no stories I found really did. When writing this I could not find a good place to describe the contractions. Interestingly, I had a lot of trouble describing what the contractions actually felt like. It seems the memory starts to fade no matter how hard you try to remember the intensity of them. The events of the labor are vivid and permanently engrained, but the memory of the feelings goes away. I think labor can be interpreted as pain in the mind because the mind has no other reference to compare such an intensity to other than pain, but I do not remember the sensations as pain anymore even though I think that is how my mind was interpreting them at the time. I did find one story in the book Homebirth In The Hospital that I read after my birth experience that describes contraction sensations so perfectly, so I have retyped it. I was not in pain, but was working hard to breathe, trying not to swirl down helplessly into the sensations overtaking my body. My belly was squeezing with a force stronger than anything I had ever felt before, and it was a force that wiped out every other sensation. During a contraction, I could hear nothing, see nothing, say nothing, or feel nothing but the strength of my womb. Then it would be over and I could come back to reality. There was no question about it. I had to stay in the present moment or I would be lost. I was holding on for dear life, but I wasn’t scared. |

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