TheHolisticParent.ORG The Birth Of Adalia Desiree

The Birth Of Adalia Desiree

My second birth experience was drastically different from my first. Goodness,
what you can learn in four years. I think the reason why my second experience
was so different lies within my first. After I had my first baby, I was ecstatic. I
loved my experience. I had peace about it, and I fell in love with labor and
delivery. This led me to begin pursuing a nursing career to work in the area of
labor and delivery. I felt like the epidural was a savior. I had a typical hospital
birth the first time. I was induced a few days past my due date because I was
“due”. Funny though, my induction was scheduled about a week before my due
date. When a doctor asks an extremely pregnant woman if she’d like to be
induced because she will then have her baby, what woman will turn that down.
After working a year in a labor and delivery ward, I can assure you, not many.

I was 19. I had not researched the risks of an induction. I barely knew what that
even meant. Still, in I went to be induced. There were quite a lot of
unpleasantries to the whole process. Nurses, doctors, students, and other
miscellaneous personnel wandered in and out of my room the whole time.
Vaginal checks were painful and frequent. I was starving the whole time. The
monitors on my abdomen had to constantly be adjusted and were very
uncomfortable, but I was not “allowed” to remove them. My baby’s heart rate
was too low at times, though that was all the nurse said to me. The medication
known as Pitocin elicited extremely painful contractions that reduced me to
tears. I had no coping mechanisms, nor was I even permitted to move from the
bed. Once the time came for an epidural, I had to wait over an hour for it, crying,
while the nurse assured me the entire time, “Just a few more minutes”. As
soon as the epidural worked its “magic”, nausea set in. I had to remain on my
side for the remaining duration of my labor due to my baby’s continual drop in
his heart rate. Every hour, I had to turn on my other side. This procedure was
quite uncomfortable as I had not the upper body strength to turn my completely
numb lower half. I did not like the loss of control or dependency I was left with,
but anything seemed better than those contractions. While lying on my side, I
was not able to move my feet, yet if my foot slid out of its exact location due to
being numb, I felt sick and panicky. Therefore, my husband spent the day
holding my feet in the exact same place, less they move a fraction of an inch
and he get yelled at. Once pushing time came, I was put in stirrups. This made
me feel like a turtle on its back. How was I to push like this? I had no leverage.
Yet, push I did for almost three hours. After, the first hour, my back tightened up
to a painful level, and I was miserable. After two hours, I felt done. I had to
insist to the nurse that my doctor better come now! We waited for him for about
30 minutes. Once there, my baby was born 10 minutes later. I, of course,
“needed” an episiotomy. Sewing me back up took 30 minutes. Even with the
epidural, I felt intense pain during the stitching to where I moaned the whole
time. My body felt in shock. My baby was whisked off for procedures and at the
insistence of my doctor, my husband went with the baby. I felt alone. At one
point, my doctor rudely asked what the problem was with all my moaning as he
was only “drying me off.” Finally, it was over and I got to hold my baby. I
remember feeling a bit stunned at his eyes because of the goopy antibiotic
ointment in them. I felt like I couldn’t see him, nor could he see me I later found
out. Could they not have waited until I at least got to see him? He nursed a bit
and was taken to the nursery as routine. My husband and I were left staring at
each other in my hospital room like “what now”, while our entire troop of
grandparents and family went to watch the baby in the nursery. My epidural did
not wear off until about six hours later- this is an abnormally long time. I was so
swollen, I could not urinate. I was catheterized, which was actually welcome
relief.

I had trouble getting my baby to latch to on to breastfeed the entire next day.
When the lactation consultant came, she had no trouble. I felt inadequate.
Latching on trouble continued at home and eventually led to a formula fed baby.
I found out later through a video my mom had taped of my baby in the nursery
that they gave him a bottle in the hospital without my knowledge or consent.
This led to nipple confusion, which is a very real and hard thing to overcome. My
postpartum experience at home was the most miserable two weeks of my life.
The episiotomy caused so much discomfort that I could barely walk for almost
a week- no exaggeration. Nothing seemed to relieve the pain. I took pain killers
for the first week and do not remember much of it. I really couldn’t even bond
with or take care of my baby. Still, despite everything, I felt satisfied at the time
with giving birth. I had no other experience to compare this one to. To me, this
was how things were. Wasn’t having a baby hard work and sacrifice?

Some time later, I began to question things from my birth. I started to hear of
people that felt the urge to push. I did not feel this the first time. I did not feel my
baby come out. I did not really feel anything. I began to feel like I had not even
given birth. I started to have a burning desire to know what giving birth felt like. I
heard of the ring of fire. I needed to know what that felt like. I started to read
books about birth. I started to wonder would I be able to give birth without an
epidural. I sure didn’t think I could have the first time. I had no faith in my body. I
actually felt that because I was overweight that my body could not birth a baby
without an epidural. I was just not in good enough shape for it. Still, I was
intrigued in natural birth maybe for a time down the road when I would be in
good shape. Around this time, I graduated nursing school and began to work in
labor and delivery. Boy, did I see a lot. And I learned a whole lot. I started to feel
more and more uncomfortable with giving birth in the hospital. I realized that
even though a woman was in the hospital, it did not mean she would
automatically get an epidural if she wanted one. There are people who end up
doing it naturally not by choice, and honestly, it is not always a very good
experience for them. Then one day it dawned on me. My body would give birth to
my baby whether or not I had an epidural, whether or not I was overweight,
whether or not I made it to the hospital. Giving birth is what my body was
designed to do. This realization freed me. I realized I could give birth without an
epidural! I felt so foolish for believing I physically couldn’t. Sadly, this is what
women in our society are conditioned to believe. It was then that I knew I would
not be getting an epidural during my next labor. There was no “I’m going to try to
go natural”. Very few people that say that actually follow through during labor by
the way. It was more like “There is absolutely no way I will be having an epidural
during my next labor irregardless of any circumstances.” I knew if I was going to
do this, I had to be more prepared to make it through the labor. This led me to
homebirthing. If I’m at home, I can’t have anesthesia- that simple. Home
seemed so much more appealing. No IV’s, no food restrictions, no continuous
fetal monitors, free movement, no intrusions. I began researching
homebirthing. I found it to be exactly what I wanted. I read research was finding
it to actually be safer for the 90% of low risk women. I felt relief. I felt ecstatic. I
presented the idea to my husband, thinking he would think I was nuts. He
jumped on board with my decision. Interestingly, I was not even pregnant yet.

Once, we had accomplished pregnancy, I set out to find a midwife. Being in the
nice state of Missouri would present some obstacles, and I felt concerned.
Midwifery was not yet legal in Missouri, and it’s not like people at the hospital
where I worked would have any knowledge of midwives in Missouri. I asked a
friend from nursing school who was into a more natural approach to life as I
now was if she knew of any midwives. I felt it was a shot in the dark. She
returned my email that she was pretty sure she knew a midwife and gave me a
first name and a phone number. I instantly called it. I was about seven weeks
pregnant at this time. The midwife agreed to meet with me. I was thrilled. I felt
so thankful she had trusted a labor and delivery nurse. It’s certainly not the
norm in my profession to deliver outside of the hospital. When we met with the
midwife, I had done my research. I knew what I wanted from this experience or
perhaps I knew more of what I definitely didn’t want. I had my questions ready
for her. We had a relaxed meeting in her home. She seemed relaxed and was
friendly. I was at ease. I felt like a different birth experience was in reach. I had
no idea at the time though how wonderfully different it would turn out to be. The
next months were followed with some nausea, appointments with my midwife
in my own home, lots of reading books and birth stories of others, and of
course, working in the hospital. I very much enjoyed reading the birth stories of
others. They inspired me and comforted me. I dreamt and fantasized about my
own experience.

A wonderful thing also happened when I was about four months pregnant.
Midwifery became legal in the state of Missouri! I felt overjoyed and privileged it
had happened while I was pregnant. I even included the article in the St. Louis
Post Dispatch in the baby book I was creating.

Working in the hospital became increasingly difficult. Twelve hour shifts were
hard. Time for lunch was hard to find. I was feeling stressed out and resentful. I
was slowly realizing I did not agree with what I was doing in the hospital. I did
not believe in the system. I had found there was a better way. So much of what
is done in the hospital is so unnecessary. I grew tired of women who were
terrified of labor pain and terrified to give birth. It is truly sad, and I found little
opportunity to change years of programming and beliefs of these women in the
small time they were there in labor. I was tired of the continual requests for
epidurals, continuous monitoring, breaking of bags of water, internal monitors,
vaginal exams, trying to explain to women why they couldn’t eat, physician
orders I did not agree with, and never-ending charting to protect my nursing
license if somehow a woman were to turn out unhappy with her experience as
she most certainly may. My job performance began to suffer. My dread to go into
work turned to panic before a shift. I am happy to say I did end up quitting that
job after my wonderful birth at home. There would have been no possible way
to return.

My husband and I took a five session Hypnobirthing course when I was about
five months pregnant. I loved the book about it. The sessions were
enlightening. I felt more prepared. I felt I would be able to calmly handle labor. It
was empowering.

The birth of my second baby began two days past my due date on December
8th. It was 5:44 Monday morning. I had spent Sunday feeling tired of being
pregnant and wandering around my house not sure what to do with myself. I
decided to finish up anything I felt I needed to get done before the baby, so that I
could allow myself to relax and fully be ready to give birth. My husband and I
both went to bed that night feeling as though it could be the night. A contraction
woke me up, and I realized I had been being woken up by mild ones for a while.
I instantly thought I was in labor and told my husband. I had thought maybe I
would spend time laboring on my own. I felt like maybe I didn’t want anyone
around when I gave birth. I was inspired by women who squat in a field, give
birth, and go back to work. Despite everything I had seen in the hospital, I was
convinced that without an epidural, my labor would be short, quick, and easy. I
found though that I wanted my husband with me throughout the whole labor. I
wanted the company of sharing the experience with someone. We got up and
did last minute things around the house. My husband cleaned our bathroom
well as that is where I planned to be. I showered and dried my hair, pleased
that I would look nice for this occasion. We called my cousin to take my four
year old to preschool. I had good moderately strong contractions, increasing in
intensity for about four hours. They were five or six minutes apart. I had to
breathe through some, but it was bearable, and I was happy about that. I spent
time on my birthing ball, eating pineapple and talking with my husband. I felt
very calm and relaxed. Then, around 10:00 am, I noticed I was not really having
contractions anymore. They had spaced way out. I started to feel confused and
anxious because I was ready for this baby to come. What was going on? We
kept in contact with my midwife. She told me this happened a lot in homebirths
and labor would probably start up the next night. She told me to enjoy my day.
Right. I thought there is no way my labor is going to last that long.

I tried to relax and enjoy my day. My husband and I took an afternoon nap. My
son came home later that afternoon. We were planning on eating dinner
together, watching a good movie, maybe playing some games, and going to
bed. The only problem was I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t hold still to watch
the movie. I was uncomfortable. I had still been feeling contractions all day; they
were just spaced about a half an hour apart. I had no idea if I was in labor or
not. I decided I was so uncomfortable sometime around dinnertime that I would
just get in the bathtub. I tried watching a movie in the tub on our portable DVD
player, but it was hard to pay attention. I was somewhat bored, but every fifteen
to thirty minutes at this point, I would have a very strong contraction. I just kept
thinking, “These are strong. I know these are strong. What is going on?” I knew
I could not have a baby with contractions that far apart. I have seen a woman
give birth with contractions 10 minutes apart, but not thirty. My husband
warmed up some lasagna. I thought I was hungry, but I couldn’t seem to eat it.
It made me feel a bit queasy. I was getting somewhat stir crazy. I spent several
hours in the tub. My husband put my son to bed. I did more bouncing on my
birthing ball, which felt awesome. I would sit on the ball and rest my head down
on the bed. I felt so tired, but did not have much success lying on the bed. In
fact, I had hardly spent any time in the bed all day. I yearned to just lay down in
the bed and sleep, but I was too nervous to get caught lying down in bed with a
contraction because it made it unbearable every 15-30 minutes when one did
come. I also hated sitting on the toilet by the way. Contractions were much
worse with even a slight recline backwards. I needed to be leaning forward.

Finally around 1:00 in the morning, now Tuesday December 9th, I decided I had
to lie down. I was so tired. I slept for about 15-30 minutes until another
contraction. It felt like I had been asleep several hours. I couldn’t lie down
anymore. I wandered around a bit complaining to my also exhausted husband
that I did not know what to do with myself. I decided on the tub again. Before I
got in the tub, I used the restroom. On the toilet, I had a moment where I really
let go and decided either I am going to be in labor and get this baby out or
everything is going to have to stop so I can go to bed. In the tub, things
miraculously started to pick up. I began having contractions again every five to
seven minutes. It’s funny I always hated people counting and timing
contractions. I told my husband before I was in labor that he had better not pay
attention to the contractions- that the baby will come when it comes. I found,
however, that I liked knowing some kind of time frame they were coming in
because it was so hard to know the times of things during labor. I was not
convinced the contractions were coming any closer together nor that this was
actually going to be it. My husband had to keep reassuring me the contractions
were still coming, which may seem odd because I could definitely feel them. I
just couldn’t tell how far apart they were.

I kept asking my husband all day “What hour are we in”. I did not want the exact
time; I just needed to know the hour. After several hours of contractions, I
started to have to moan softly with them. I still was not convinced this was labor.
I thought I may still have a chance for everything to stop; I could go to bed, and
get some rest. I got out of the tub and wanted to shower before what I thought
was going to be going to bed. As soon as I got in the shower, contractions
started to come every 2-3 minutes. I didn’t really believe my husband when he
told me that. I said maybe he should call our midwife and just give her a heads
up. I told him to tell her that I wasn’t sure what was going on. She told my
husband that she thought she had better come and he came in to tell me she
was on her way. I stayed in the shower, moaning with contractions. It was
impossible not to make noise during one. It was now about five in the morning.
Time distortion during labor was such a strange thing. The time I was actually
in the bathroom until the baby was born was about seven hours, but it truly felt
like only one. As we waited for my midwife, my husband was feeding me an
apple with peanut butter. It helped give me energy. I had to eat it very slow
though because it was hard to eat when contractions were that intense. I also
continued to sip on water.

My midwife’s assistant arrived first, and my midwife arrived shortly after. It felt
nice to have the support of women there. I did not believe I was truly in labor
until they got there. I just didn’t believe this was actually “it.” I found it very helpful
to hear that I was doing a great job. I was still in the shower at this point. I didn’t
know how I would feel beforehand about being completely naked during labor. I
bought things to wear, but at the time, clothes did not seem necessary, and I
did not care. Modesty seems to go out the window during labor. I did appreciate
the low key atmosphere of my home, however. I did not feel as though I was on
display or a spectacle. I did not really want to feel like the center of attention
during my labor with a bunch of people staring at me. My midwife and her
assistant did not stay in my bathroom the entire time. They took turns or let my
husband just be in there with me at times. It was nice to still just have time with
my husband, with us working together as a team. My husband kept
encouraging me. We renamed my contractions waves because that’s what they
felt like to me. Calling them this relaxed me and made me feel in control. He
would tell me to breathe in with the waves and then relax and let it go. My
midwife and her assistant also took time to set up their equipment. It was nice
though because all their equipment was in another room. All I saw was the
normal décor of my bathroom. Occasionally, my midwife would listen to my
baby’s heartbeat. Other than that, there were no interruptions, no loss of focus. I
stayed in the shower for three hours until almost 8:00 that morning. My
husband had installed a tankless hot water heater the week before, so I had a
hot shower for those three hours. It was heaven. The shower was a place that
worked really well for me. I liked standing. With each contraction, I had to move.
I would lean over and swing my hips in circles. I did this over and over. I
continued to moan loudly. My midwife said to moan in a low voice. It helped me
to stay calm and keep relaxed.

We called my cousin to come pick up my son around 6:30 in the morning. We
sent my son out in his pajamas without breakfast right after he had woken up
because we knew it would be soon. I had wanted my son to be home with me
and perhaps even watch, but I think it was best for him that he left. He was
nervous from my moaning though we had discussed it beforehand. I also knew
that he would probably be naturally waking up right as we were either having
the baby or in intense labor. It would have been a disorienting way to wake up. I
had been right- my water broke about 10 minutes after he left.

Finally at one point, I realized I was really tired. I was tired of standing. I really
just wanted my bed, and I wanted this to be over with so I could allow myself to
lay in my bed. I was ready to be done. I told my husband to fill up the tub with
warm water. I could tell from standing and being that tired that I was not relaxing
my lower half for the baby to even come out. I had a strange feeling in labor that
I did not want to move to any other location. There were some suggestions of
did I want to lie in bed or bounce on the ball. I said no. It felt like the shower
was working, and I didn’t feel like I could move anywhere else. I finally decided
on the bathtub again though because the contractions were so strong that at
this point I reasoned there was no way I was going to get comfortable no matter
where I was. Impossibly, the contractions continued to increase in intensity. My
words of “I don’t want to do this anymore” turned to “I can’t do this anymore”
though somehow I knew if I had to, I would have no choice but to continue.
Thankfully, once I said that I had about three more contractions. The last one
was the strongest I had felt by far and it lasted for what seemed like forever. It
brought me to my knees. My water broke with this contraction. No one was in
the bathroom with me when this happened. I just started screaming “water”,
really long and loud. It was intense. My husband came in and helped me move
to the tub. We found the baby’s heartbeat with the doppler. Nice and strong.

Once comfortable in the tub, I was able to relax my lower half, and I felt pushing
start shortly after. My midwife had her hand on my lower back. I did not
experience pain in my back, known as back labor, but just having a hand there
gave me a certain support that was very necessary. It was a physical way to let
me know I was not alone at that moment. I was positioned in the tub in a mostly
sitting position, slightly angled more on my right hip with my knees bent. I had
about two somewhat more mild contractions before my body started to push on
its own. Contractions were farther apart at this time, and I almost felt like I was
sleeping in between them. When the urge to push came, it did not feel like a
contraction anymore, simply a pushing sensation. Pushing was a welcome
stage, though I did not enjoy it like I thought I would. It was not hard to do. I think
I didn’t like it much because my body was completely in control of the pushing. I
did not decide when to push or when to stop, my body did. It was very intense. It
was also so great to experience that my body could push a baby out- that it did
not need to take three hours. I no longer needed to feel inadequate as though
something were wrong with my body. Sometimes, I felt the pushing lasted too
long, and I had trouble catching my breath. I experienced two different pushing
sensations. The beginning sensation was more of a pushing in my rectum with
intense pressure that felt like a bowel movement. Once I felt my baby move past
my pubic bone, I could tell she was a lot closer, and the pushing feeling
changed. This pushing sensation felt much better. It was not as intense, and I
could somewhat more consciously push and control how she came out. I felt
like she sort of just eased out. Pushing altogether did not last very long. With
the last few pushes, I felt the ring of fire. It was not as scary or dreaded as I
thought. It felt simply like a mild burning, stretching sensation. I felt one instant
of “I don’t want to do this” and I inwardly told myself “No, you are going to just
push and it will be over”, so that’s what I did. I pushed right through the ring of
fire slowly and calmly. I felt every part of my baby slide out of me. Once my baby’
s head was out, I said “Oh, just pull it out!” My midwife said no, and I realized I
would have to keep pushing. Right after the head, an arm popped out. Then
slowly the rest of her emerged. This was the one part I absolutely loved. I loved
feeling my baby come out of me. I had my eyes closed- I think because I was
really focusing. I could tell what each part of her was. In the hospital once the
baby’s head is out, the body flies out next, mostly because the doctor pulls it
out. I was so pleased this was not the case with me. I thought I would want to
see my baby come out. At the time though, I was so focused inwardly that I
couldn’t really open my eyes and focus on anything. Interestingly though, I feel
like I watched the whole thing because I could feel everything. I knew everything
that was happening. There was such a heightened sense of awareness. I felt
where her head was the whole time during pushing. No one had to tell me
where to push or how to push. There was no counting to ten with each
contraction. There was no rush, no hysterics, just calm. Once my baby had
emerged, my husband lifted her out of the water and placed her on me. I looked
down and said “Thank God it’s a girl”. She had huge eyes that looked black,
and they were staring up at me so clearly. As soon as she came out, we played
the song by Elvis “Only Fools Rush In”. It was beautiful. My placenta came out
within five minutes. It was very easy to push out, hardly noticeable, not painful,
and even felt a little good. My baby was still attached to the cord. My husband
held our baby while I moved to the bedroom. I was fascinated that I could walk
normally right away as if I hadn’t just pushed out a baby. When I came out of the
bathroom, it felt so weird to see my calm, peaceful, and clean house. I
remember saying “my house”. It felt somewhat strange, but wonderful to be
home. The bed felt so delicious. I had felt so tired of standing. We cut the cord
on the bed. My midwife checked me for tears. I had one small one that did not
need any repairs. No episiotomy this time, which was thrilling. I sat up and
nursed my new baby. There was no trouble with breastfeeding this time. My
husband made everyone bacon and eggs.

At some point, I got back up to use the restroom. My midwife stayed with me. I
was able to urinate with no trouble. This was so relieving for me. While in the
bathroom, my midwife smiled and said, “And you didn’t have one vaginal
check.” No vaginal checks with this pregnancy and birth was very important to
me. They were extremely painful with my first pregnancy, mostly towards the
end that would leave me cramping for at least a day. I later found they are totally
unnecessary. Imagine that a baby will actually grow and develop properly and
be born successfully without someone jamming their fingers up there to check
dilation. Considering labor is not a linear process, vaginal exams tell us only
minimal information anyway. I also laughed with my midwife that I had thought I
would actually look nice during this labor. By this time 27 hours later, I looked
like a wreck. My hair was a mess, but it didn’t matter.

After a few hours, my midwife and her assistant left. We spent the day relaxing
with our new baby. Not once was she separated from me. No one had to poke
at her or perform procedures or take vital signs. At no point during my labor did I
feel alone. My son came home to meet his new sister around lunchtime. It was
so relaxing at home. My postpartum period was amazingly easier as well,
which had been one of the biggest factors in my deciding to forgo an epidural. I
had some soreness, mostly just if I tried to walk or stand for extended time
periods. This lasted a few weeks until I felt normal again, but it was nothing like
the first time. Being so numb from the epidural the first time lead to longer
pushing and an episiotomy which drastically increased my postpartum pain.

This birth was so healing for me in so many ways. I wouldn’t change a thing. It
was long and challenging, but manageable. I had said throughout my
pregnancy that I wanted to give birth gracefully. I think I accomplished that. At not
one point did I feel fearful. I did not feel overwhelmed. Labor does its own thing-
I could not control it, yet at no point did I feel not in control. I felt calm and
relaxed. I handled each contraction. I cannot say I achieved a pain free labor as
other hypnobirthing moms somehow have, but I have no regret. It feels so
wonderful to have felt absolutely everything. My sensations were not dulled in
any sense, and I have never felt more alive or in touch with my body. I feel so
proud of my body. How amazing it truly is. I feel connected to so many women
before me who have given birth and felt what I felt. I feel so saddened for
women in hospitals that are so scared to give birth that they cannot fathom
going natural. They are missing out on one of the greatest things in life. To me,
this is what being a woman means. It is very much a rite of passage. Labor is
hard work, but also very rewarding. I wouldn’t call it a sacrifice. It was more of a
blessing. There were of course times throughout my pregnancy that I felt a little
fearful and wondered if I could do it. But here I am, on the other side. It is
possible. I actually did it.

A few extra thoughts:

I wanted to include in my birth story how contractions actually feel. I wanted
someone to describe them so badly in all the birth stories I read during my
pregnancy, but no stories I found really did. When writing this I could not find a
good place to describe the contractions. Interestingly, I had a lot of trouble
describing what the contractions actually felt like. It seems the memory starts to
fade no matter how hard you try to remember the intensity of them. The events
of the labor are vivid and permanently engrained, but the memory of the feelings
goes away. I think labor can be interpreted as pain in the mind because the
mind has no other reference to compare such an intensity to other than pain,
but I do not remember the sensations as pain anymore even though I think that
is how my mind was interpreting them at the time. I did find one story in the
book Homebirth In The Hospital that I read after my birth experience that
describes contraction sensations so perfectly, so I have retyped it.

I was not in pain, but was working hard to breathe, trying not to swirl down
helplessly into the sensations overtaking my body. My belly was squeezing with
a force stronger than anything I had ever felt before, and it was a force that
wiped out every other sensation. During a contraction, I could hear nothing, see
nothing, say nothing, or feel nothing but the strength of my womb. Then it would
be over and I could come back to reality. There was no question about it. I had
to stay in the present moment or I would be lost. I was holding on for dear life,
but I wasn’t scared.

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